Lucius and Severus Go Party Pooping
by Madam Suzie
Summary: Here we see what happens when Lucius crashes one of Narcissa's Christmas parties. PG13 for mention of party-related things like heavy drinking, shagging the nextdoor neighbor, and revenge that children shouldnt be exposed to. Rather humorous.
1. It Begins

Lucius swore as he ducked behind a bush to avoid being seen. He was on the grounds of Malfoy Manor pretending to take a walk to avoid his wife Narcissa, who was trying to convince him into letting her plan a Christmas party with her social friends. There was no way Lucius was going to allow this to happen willingly.  
  
For Lucius, Christmas parties were the bane of his existence. He hated them more than doing his own laundry, not brushing his teeth for more than 2 days, and the Weasleys combined. To him, they represented a bunch of 30- year-old parents getting wasted and trading spouses for the remainder of the night. They represented all those times he walked into his bedroom and found his wife shagging the first consenting penis she could find. They represented Hell.  
  
But this party is going to be different, Lucius thought, imitating his wife's simpering tones. We're not going to invite the same old people to this one. We're going to invite important people from the ministry. "Yeah, right" Lucius muttered. "And you'll just end up shagging them."  
  
So, as an attempt to prepare for the inevitable, he invited Severus. "She was right," thought Lucius. "This party was going to be different..." Lucius walked back to the house to tell his wife to go ahead and plan the party: he and Severus were going to make it much better than last year's...

To be continued...


	2. Lucius Horror Party Show

The party was already well underway when Severus Snape stalked into Malfoy Manor wearing the usual black that drove the fangirls crazy. Lucius, however, answered the door wearing a large robe that was obviously meant to hide something. Severus was just about to ask what he had on underneath when Lucius whipped it off. He looked something like a horrible dream. Words could not express the terror Severus felt.

"Well, what do you think?" Lucius asked, walking away to get a glass of strong liquor he had poured earlier. He drank in big gulps; as if he knew what he would be facing that night.

Severus didn't answer. He just walked over to Lucius, grabbed the glass from his hand and finished it in one gulp. He stood there for a few minutes.

Severus finally spoke. "I think we should get more of that," referring to the whiskey he had just downed. Lucius handed him the whole bottle.

Needless to say, this went on for a while longer, until Lucius declared that that was enough for right then, or they would run out for the rest of the night.

"I think we should go and join the others. We'll be missed if we stay here any longer," He walked towards a set of double doors to his left, motioning for Severus to follow.

(A/N: This is where you use your imagination: just imagine the most terrible costume ever conceived, then smother it in glitter. That's what Lucius was wearing. I had other plans for the description of his outfit, but I'll save that for somewhere that will let me post HTML...)


	3. Operation Shock and Awe

They entered the dining room in the middle of dinner. Everyone looked up as Narcissa's fork clattered to the floor. She stood up shakily and pretended nothing was wrong. This played perfectly into Lucius' plan: she would do anything to save face. Draco was near the end with his mother, pale as death.

"G-Good evening, Lucius. Severus." She nodded in their direction as they found their seats and sat down. Lucius started immediately on his turkey while Severus had some wine.

When everybody had had their fill, Lucius stood up first and spoke to the assembled witches and wizards sitting around him.

"Well, another Christmas is here, and I plan to celebrate it properly!" Lucius smiled at the shocked faces of his audience. Some of them averted their eyes, not daring to look at a full-grown man in stockings and high-heels.

"Tonight will be a night you will never forget," Lucius continued, still smiling. "I suggest we all adjourn to the parlor, where we will plan the night's activities." All of them looked shocked at this pronouncement. They looked as if participating in an activity planned by a man in drag was the last thing they wanted to do. Draco still looked as if he wanted to melt into his seat and become part of the upholstery. Severus poured himself another glass.

Narcissa spoke up. "Lucius, dear, I'm afraid I have already arranged everything—"

"Oh, that's alright, dear." Lucius cut her off, this time with a nasty smirk. "We can compromise." By this point in the conversation, Severus had started to drain other peoples' glasses, his judgment impaired. Draco looked aghast at him, stunned at his teacher's behavior.

Severus stood up, satisfied at last with the amount of alcohol in his system. He could now cope with what was inevitably coming: utter embarrassment.

"Ladies and gentlemen," He started. He was not severely drunk, just enough to let go a little bit. "Let us go into the other room and see what this fine man has in store for us."

There was a great sound of scraping chairs as everybody stood up at the same time. No one was willing to step forward first, so Lucius led the way into the parlor, the rest of the party trailing behind him.

(A/N: Well, here's chapter 3! I didn't have as much Draco in this chapter as I would have liked, but I'll keep him in mind for the next chapter, coming soon. There are so many opportunities in this story to make fun of him, and I promise I will take advantage. Thank you for the reviews! I practically glow every time I see a new review, and I would like to thank those of you who have made my day. MWAH!)


	4. Jingle Shoes, Clicking all the way!

Heels clicking all the way, Lucius danced across the hall, humming a little tune under his breath. He threw open the parlor doors and practically collapsed on the expensive silk sofa, as if he had been doing strenuous exercise all night. Who knows? Maybe he was fighting earlier with himself, trying to decide whether to wear the fun pink heels, or the more conservative black heels. He went with the black; he didn't want to seem too ignorant in the ways of female fashion. Believe me when I say the costume Lucius wore that night was not put together at the last minute.

Moving on, the party of partygoers was slowly filing in and looking around, as is searching for booby-traps. This was going to be no ordinary night, as they were constantly reminded by the gulping sounds from Severus' corner and the small contented sighs Lucius kept uttering from the sofa. He, at least, was comfortable. Several of the guests made glances at the doors.

Lucius got heavily to his feet. The heels were already getting uncomfortable; he would have to run upstairs and change.

"My friends and relatives, we are gathered here today to celebrate this joyous season of giving! Isn't that right, Severus?"

Severus grunted from his corner, inebriated.

Expecting more help from his friend, Lucius felt a little lost for words, but it didn't last long. "Let us celebrate this season as one big happy family!" he said with unnecessary flourishing of the hands, and with more enthusiasm than he would have assigned to a speech he copied from some shit muggle movie he sneaked into the house as a child.

Several of the guests looked rather like they wouldn't want to be caught dead with him in public, let alone being considered related to him, even as a fake family for this one night. One interminable night. And they only just got there. None of them wanted to see what madness would occur next…

To be continued…

(A/N: I've finally updated this thing! Clap clap clap…There's no Draco in this, but I'm not sure I want there to be…I'll figure it out later, I'm having a pudding shortage at the moment, I can't think properly…)


End file.
